be gentle

hey, you know what i love? people that argue that rock doesnt have to be aggressive at all to be rock. this generation of middle schoolers fucking LOVES music that makes them feel like pussies. music where the goal of the artist is to look as gay and awkward as possible while singing in the most sensitive voice as possible. they call it rock, but its not rock. its a revival of that shitty 80's pop, where (gasp) the point was to look gay and sing in girly voices. example: any of the artists on the front page of purevolume.com.

but kids still call it rock because theyre afraid that if they admit they listen to pop music itll ruin their cred. fuck that. i shoulda been alive in the 50's when rock & roll was banned from radio stations. when rock & roll pissed people off. when rock & roll could make you dance even if you were a cripple. is there anything else in history that has changed so much and yet still has the same name?

this is why i need my punk. i need something that doesnt make me feel like a drone at a fucking foo fighters concert. or like a fucking fairy at a plain white Ts show.
maybe its because eveery fucking kid is too weak nowadays. parents are even afraid to hit kids. i dont mean a fuckin punch in the eye, im just talking a slap on the hand. youre trying too hard to protect your kids. well MAYBE when you try this hard to protect your kids, you end up making them MORE vulnerable. the result is this enfatuation with this soft sensitive music. music with NO MESSAGE. how can so many songs be traced to some bullshit about a girl or guy. jesus christ. if you HAVE to write sensitive music, at least write about something you fucking care about beyond the other sex.

i guess the ultimate reason i hate this music is because it serves no purpose. it doesnt educate, it doesnt elicite any emotion other than depression, it doesnt challenge anything, it doesnt unite. this music is NOT rock. its fucked. and civilization is next.

hey, remember when cheney wasnt the devil?

me neither, but apparently, there was a time. maybe, somewhere along the way, he was possessed by the arch demon of lying to americans. fuck you, dickhead cheney, i despise you with every fiber of my being. you are the jeffrey dahmer of morality. if i went to church, the only reason would be to make myself believe that there is a hell waiting for you, because simply dying would be too kind a fate.

ITS NOT THE SAME

hey you fucking idiots, being pro choice and being pro abortion are not the same damn thing. so shut the hell up because i hate you.

pro choice means you are in favor of letting people decide what is best for their individual situation. unless every goddamn situation is exactly the same, shut your mouth, you hick. you know what pro choice is? it is at the very essence of being american. mccain wanted less government intervention in the market. what about less intervention in peoples goddamn lives? pro choice is almost as american as denying a health care claim. and its slightly more american than racism.

pro abortion means you fucking hate babies and you want them dead. it means you love invasive procedures that could potentially hurt a woman and it means you love promiscuity and not taking responsibility for your actions. ITS NOT THE SAME.

stop picketing abortion clinics and start trying to educate people on what they can do to avoid being put in a situation where they would think they need an abortion. swallow your fucking christian pride and go use your time to get condoms to give to sexually active students. educate on STDs and how to prevent them. you hear me, you old motherfuckers picketing outside the clinic on main street in woodbridge? THE CLINIC IS NOT WHERE THE DECISION TO GET AN ABORTION COMES FROM. stop trying to destroy people's ability to make decisions, you fucking fascists.

i guess the irony is, if this country wasnt pro choice, id make my girlfriend abort my child to keep it from living in a pro life world.

hopefully its not too late. but if it is, our ability to choose for ourselves is fucked, and civilization is next.

common sense no longer necessary

first, the cold activated bottle. then, the cold activated can. why is coors marketing its beer to people with special needs and down syndrome? what brilliant mind said "well...theyre not drinking our beer. is it because it tastes like cat piss in a bottle (and, later, a can)? oh, i know, maybe they just dont know when to drink it, so its intimidating people from buying it. yeah, i think thats it."

cue a lightbulb above their heads. "LETS SUCK EACH OTHERS COCKS! no..no wait..instead lets put some stupid shit on our bottles that turn color when our beer is cold! you know, like as if were marketing to 4 year olds!"

cue the powerful exec sitting indian style, slapping the ground in roaring laughter as steve and blue search for clues. "bwilliant!"

of course, the real reason coors made a 'cold activated bottle' is because theyre very religious. they vigorously follow the 4th commandment: americans are fucking stupid.
only in america could you make a change that in no way, shape, or form changes your product for the better and boost sales. well, sorry coors, but im about to tell people what temperature beer should be when you drink it. ready?

REAL FUCKING COLD.

there you have it. another mystery unravelled. you must feel scared, alone. but dont worry dumbass, im here for you. youll make it through this. but first, you need to put down the coors and take those pants off your head.

so..wait...if you actually rely on this "cold activated" shit, do you just open the fridge or cooler every 10 minutes, pick up the beer, stare for 15 seconds, drool, put the beer away, and repeat until them mountain critters turns the color o' my pickup truck? HOW DID WE LIVE SO LONG WITHOUT THIS? fuck it. if this is the only thing coors has up its sleeve, then its fucked, and civilization is next.

walt di$ney world

man, fuck this place. yes, i just got back from...it. is it possible for something to be awesome and horrendously horrible at the same time? i now think so. theres no substitute for the tower of terror. unfortunately, theres also no substitute for its a small world.

but the eye-stabingly, horrendously horrible aspect of disney world isnt the 5 hour ride through 713 dressed-up chucky dolls. its actually its ability to get people to hand over $50 for a $3 piece of crap. piece of crap includes figurines, clothing, food, superficial happiness, and anything else made by hard-working toddlers (deep inside the small world ride).

there are a lot of companies that know how to take your money, but none do it with more flare or anti-semitism than disney world. (fun fact: disney world also hates: minorities, too much, too little, seth green, and anything with the word "amorphous" in it)

PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT: Disney World sells an "international coins set" complete with 12 coins from around the world. whats oh so much fucking fun to notice is that this $12.95 set includes the U.S. penny as well as the italian, french, and german 1 euro cent. do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? disney has painstakingly gathered enough effort to collect and package, not only world coins, but world coins of laughably low denominations. also included are a japanese 1 yen coin and a mexican 10 peso (.0076 USD) coin. so, give away 12 cents, get 12 dollars. im not a math teacher or anything, but that looks like a 99x profit. or, for you 4th grade math leaguers out there, 9900% profit.

PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT 2: A FUCKING PONCHO. is it raining? is your precious family getting wet? disney doesnt give a fuck. $8 a poncho. cough it up. now, when i say poncho, i dont mean poncho. i mean big ass bag wif holes in it for your head and arms. i dont know how much these cost to produce, but ill guess just a widdle bit. have you ever been in a broken elevator with no way out with a homeless man licking his own balls? thats what it feels like to buy a disney quality poncho for $8.

PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT 3: a disney employee tried to sell me a mixture of cat excrement and heroine, saying "hakuna matata mother fucker." after lowering the price to $27.50, i was tempted. i could tell it was fresh, and i was coming down off of my tomorrowland high, and hard. but im proud to say i didnt buy it, and all because i remembered aladdin's famous last words: "hiya mister alligatAAUUGHHHRGGG." that shit is no joke. fuck disney world. its fucked. and civilization is next.

STOP. THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.

ok, yes it is. this is from a local newspaper, an ad for a local baseball game.

ive decided to turn this into a positive moment. i will be attending this. and i will be dressing up as hannah montana to get $2.00 off my ticket. then im going to turn tricks in the parking lot. were going to set the record for the most old perverted men entering montana at one time. and, if there is a god, "hannah montana appreciation night" will never happen again. they should start differentiating between legitimate "appreciation" nights and "we need money, please come" nights. or maybe they dont actually understand the meaning of "appreciation."

no, no, wait, i found what they mean.

appreciation Noun

2. awareness and understanding of a problem or difficulty

this has to be what they mean by hannah montana appreciation, right?

on a related note: seriously, old perverted men, be careful. i know youre drooling at the idea of attending this game, but remember the 8th commandment: chris hanson is omnipotent. kind of like god, but real.

In honor of this great idea, ive come up with some of my own appreciation nights. miley's picture still being there indicates her support of these events. so, ya know, start spreading some rumors.

its official: even appreciation night is fucked, and civilization is next.

trickle-up economics

This map is an interesting way of punching the rest of the world in the face. The next time you cant remember why so many other places hate us, remember this map.

we have all the goddamn money. no question. but wait...its not really we, is it? GPD is a measure of income and value based on products produced. where the fuck does this income go?

its essentially the same way the mafia works. the lowest of the low carry out the heavy shit while the top says "do it or i fucking kill you and your wife. shes beautiful, id hate to see her walk into a wall or a pole or a bullet." then, when the lower guys make their money, they take a cut and the rest of the money climbs the ladder. its a pyramid scam that involves all 300,009,000 of us. no, fuck that, all 6,776,836,730 of us. because capitalism is not just capitalism anymore. thanks to the world bank and imf, its globalization.

so what happens now? we keep a little money and send the rest up the ladder. we make a $1, but have to spend $2 to feed our family. the cumguzzlers at the top keep $1, then give back $1 to the honest workers. but before you know it, that cumguzzler gets $2 back. hes up to $3, if youre keeping count. the process happens again. and again. and one more time for good measure.

well, its trickle down economics! dont worry, the rich will invest in the little guy! i dont fucking think so, reagan. because thats not what happens in capitalism. in capitalism, you want money. and you dont invest in something with lower returns. you invest in another big corporation, and then cumguzzler #2 starts making more money. and instead of trickling down, the money just floats at the ceiling like smoke, while the floor burns up. and what happens when a ridiculously large percentage of the population no longer has any expendable income?
THE ECONOMY TANKS AND EVERYONE IS SCREAMING HELP HELP BUT THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT HEAR YOU ARE ALSO SCREAMING HELP AND THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT CAN HELP YOU ARE WEARING NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.

aaaaand were fucked. we need stimulus bills so we have money to spend, and we have bailouts for the companies because nobody can afford their product. and the AIG gives execs $165 mil in bonuses. do they know the definition of a bonus? instead of paying 330 workers $50,000 a year for 10 years, they lay people off. but think AIG are the only ones that do this. after all, this is america. home of the free market. and nobody would DARE say "no shit this was going to happen. seriously? nobody saw this coming?" we already know the economy is fucked. but dont be surprised when civilization is next.

more on commercials

writing about those shitty drug commercials made me think about something. mind you, this is nothing profound or new, but rather its interesting how its something we in the western world have grown to accept without even really thinking about it.

every single commercial...no...every single ad in any form of media...wants your money. in your life time, you have never seen, nor will you ever see, an ad that isnt in some way trying to separate you from your money. i dare you to look for one. youll be shitting in adult diapers and sipping steak through a straw before you find one.

now, of course, this is the way the economy works. you work for money, you spend your money, and then you wake up the next day and go to work again. money has the potential to be either the most wonderful or most horrible thing to ever exist, because it depends entirely on how you choose to use it. and humans are as unpredictable as how fucking terrible the next m. night shamalan movie will be. it can be used to motivate people to design wonderful new technologies...or it can be taken away from you and turn you into a homicidal headcase.

but there are people whos only goal in life is to hoard money, and use it only to get more if it. i believe theyre called CEOs, and they dont give two shits whether theres enough to go around. because theyre the epitome of american mentality. get it by any means necessary, as long as it makes me happy. their job is to make sure you think they love you and care for you and want you to have a wonderful life with their product. you believe this? go play russian roulette with a shotgun. the reality is every ad wants your money because you matter less than it. and you always will. thats what it should say in every high school economy book. capitalism is the art of manipulation. create the illusion of need by any means necessary. I guess itll never make sense to me how you can have something like commercials...so essential to our way of life and yet...all it wants is what we have, and itll never be satisfied. if you think you need everything you see on tv, then youre fucked, and civilization is next.

because youre smarter than your doctor

i know these have been going on for a while now, but it just never ceases to amaze me how many prescription drug commercials there are. it took the average human thousands of years of evolution, but its official: the average human finally knows more about how the body works and what it needs than doctors, with their 14 years of bullshit schooling.

god, how pretentious those doctors can be. they say things like "take off your clothes" and "pee in this cup," and they just expect you to do it. there is no other profession where you can ask people to strip and piss in a cup, and theyd actually do it. well, maybe gym teacher or phone salesman, but thats a repressed memory for another day. the only thing ill say about it is "wow, the blackberry still works! hey, why are you looking at me like that?"

back to the commercials. in chris rock's words, "and they keep naming symptoms til they find one that you fuckin got, ok." come on. its not a question of if you actually need the meds. its a question of can they play enough games with your head to convince you that you need this. if you ACTUALLY need it, maybe that pretentious ass of a doctor, with over a decade of training, will know you need it. but heres the kicker, you might actually mention the drug to your doctor, and then he might actually give you a prescription! and you wanna know why hell give you a prescription? because the fucking drug companies pay doctors who prescribe their drugs! they have to, otherwise doctors might actually start saying "you fucking retard. you dont need this drug. you have none of those symptoms. the entire time you were in the waiting room you were trying to lick your own elbow. my diagnosis is youre a god damn moron. braindamaged. neurologically passive. you should be institutionalized. get out of my face."

but instead, you get a smile and a piece of paper that says "give this dumbass what he wants. itll shut him up, and probably kill him faster than if he just sucked it up and dealt with his slightly lower urine pressure. daddys gonna get paid!" but this is what happens when health is a commodity. dont you DARE think for one second that you can be healthy without medication. because, hey, everybodys health is fucked, and civilization is next.

oh no! socialism! how scary!

boy, do i love seeing those ketchup-on-spaghetti loving americans cringe when they hear the word socialism. after all, socialism is as american as healthy food and efficient cars. what we REALLY need is to up our dosage of capitalism. in following with the current trend of commercials, i believe the next propaganda campaign will sound something like this:
do you get an urge to move your legs in the middle of the night? do you often breathe, sometimes uncontrollably? do you urinate once, sometimes twice a day? do you suffer from erectile dysfunction, especially while sleeping? if you answered yes to any of these, ask your doctor if capitalism is right for you. capitalism is the all natural way to ignore the horrendously unjust and yet legal way for large corporations to exploit the lower classes and 3rd world poor.

already chock full o' capitalism? congratulations, youre american! but remember, as an american, its your duty to denounce the myth that the housing market collapsed because grossly inflated prices combined with wages that refused to rise made it near fucking impossible for people to pay their mortgages. its your duty to spread the real reason the housing market collapsed: terrorists.
its your duty to denounce the myth that electric cars have existed for decades, only to be crushed by the corporate greed of exxon mobile and GM. the real reason we arent driving electric cars? thats right. terrorists.

ok, enough happy talk. capitalism no longer works, and you fucking know it. capitalism and globalization are holding the human race back. The CEO of walmart makes more in half a day's work than most of his employees do in a year. but lets be optimistic again. maybe Lee Scott NEEDS that $23,000,000 a year to...um...feed his family.

this is why i dont understand the irrational fear of anything socialist. why is it so american to fuck over everyone else? why is it anti-american to care? do any of you hank hills out there actually give a shit that the bottom 80% of america only owns 7.5% of the financial wealth? do you ACTUALLY think we still live in a democracy where everyone has a voice? who really has the power? because the truth is, 80% of us are fucked, and civilization is next.

lets go to california

ive never been to california. 36,756,666 little turds get to wake up in california every day, and ive never been there. i told the girlfriend i wanna move to cali, but she wont do it because it would be too far away from her family. it would be far from my family too, but i was thinking that was more of, ya know, a reason FOR going. i told her i wanna move to long beach, she said "why? you dont surf." fuck that. i surf the internet. you know what, whatever. im not a fucking semantics major.

i dunno, maybe she wouldnt like it. but come on, the whole goddamn california coast has made some damn good music. dead kennedys, social distortion, op ivy. you get the picture. the skating must be equally fuckin awesome. i think ive built california up so much in my head, that if i went and didnt enjoy it, id probably consider rolling some dice and jumping off whatever number story i roll. maybe its just safer to stay in the northeast.

then the girlfriend says shed move to germany. germany. i once heard (i believe on nickelodeon) that the nazis were from germany. the nazis! why would she want to put our lives in danger like that? my chances of living in california are fucked, and civilization is next.

fundamentalists

fundamentalists like to point the finger at everything they can for turning people against religion. music, communism, church/state separation, promiscuity, porn, gays, other religions, not going to church, liberals, and everything else...except fundamentalists.

porn and hypocrites

no doubt, lotsa people love porn, and just as many hate it. but one of the goddamn stupidest reasons for hating it is "it distorts love and sex." ill give you some time to think about what kind of people usually say it.

FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT. jesus christ. how are you gonna think about it if youre busy reading this. asshole.

ok, stop thinking about it. heres the spoiler: it doesnt matter what kind of people usually say it. the point is, its a retarded reason. especially if youre an american. because here in the land of the oreo pizza, everything is a distortion. fortunately, americans arent stupid enough to just buy shitloads of things they dont need. unfortunately, when you use word play or fancy imagery or half-assed reasoning, the average americans ability to make sound decisions goes down the shitter (counter-clockwise, since were in the northern hemisphere. for you americans, northern means on top, hemisphere means half circle. and for gods sake, take that underwear off of your head.). take a moment to review the line graph.
so, yeah, fuck you, hypocrites. other things you should be against:
chick flicks. id like to argue right here and now that chick flicks affect females the same way porn affects males. sorry ladies, if youre getting on a plane at JFK in 10 minutes and your soul mate is in midtown manhattan, that fucker aint getting to the airport unless hes riding optimus prime (theres a better chance hell be riding your best friend. yee-haw!). it may be on a huge screen, but its still an hour and a half block of fantasy.
reach toothbrush. youve seen this commercial, right? the dude with the normal toothbrush tries to brush his back teeth and the brush pushes out his cheek from the inside because it doesnt bend. heres a fucking idea: before buying a new brush, learn how to brush your goddamn teeth. that has NEVER happened to me, let alone anyone else in the world, ever. if you have to make up a reason for people to buy your product, then, ta-da, your product serves no purpose, and society is worse off for having it.
burger king slider. as you can see by the above graph, burger king relies on sexy ladies to sell their new mini burger. why? because its a fucking mini burger. thats all it is. like fast food burger patties arent small enough, they introduce the slider. wanna get laid? buy this burger. we put pheramones in it. and just a touch of cialis.

fuck it, im done, i cant possibly name every product that relies on distorting reality to sell itself. but i challenge you to keep your eyes open. the world is a much funnier place when you realize how much everyone wants you to buy everything. so stop saying porn "distorts" reality. reality was distorted a long time ago. reality is fucked, and civilization is next.

israel and palestine - the omegle way

so today, i had a pretty interesting conversation with someone on omegle. never in a million years did i think id ever actually have a serious conversation on omegle. this was probably the first serious one in the history of the site. anyway, somehow we started talking about the israel-palestine war/conflict/struggle/whatever. id like to talk to a palestinian on omegle, but i think now im asking too much.

this guy was pretty clear on his belief that the jews belong in israel. "its the holy land," he says. "its my home." "but what about the palestinians? theyve been here for generations, its their home too now." he wouldnt have any of that, but the way i see it, an israelite cant just say "its my home so they should leave" because at this point...its their home too, whether this guy thinks so or not.

now, i dont understand if this next part is 100% true, or if its just what he is told/believes. he said israel only wants peace, and agreed to give the palestinians their own lands (like gaza and whatnot) but that it is actually the palestinians who always attack first and want to basically eradicate jews from, quote, "the holy land." when you get bombed but dont see the other side getting bombed, its easy to just say "they hate us, they want to kill us all." when i pointed out there are most likely people on both sides that wish the stupid fighting would end, he said no, and referenced suicide bombers. his words sounded eerily like the southerners after 9/11. he said, (direct quote) "the islam is the enemy. [palestinian] arabs want war all the time."

i hesitate to just completely side with this guy. i need to do some more reading. there has to be some other side to this. a side that you never fucking hear from the US media, thats for damn sure. what else is for sure? well, for now, everybody thinks theyre right, and this is just a retarded circle. israel and palestine are fucked, and civilization is next.

eh.

so i decided to start a blog. no biggie. i cant decide if things really are completely shitty or if im just jaded because of what i think things should be like. maybe a little bit of both. either way, i need to vent. because if i dont, i wont make it out of this world alive. (thanks for the quote, hank williams, you dead mother fucker)

i think ill start off with the billboard top 100 music charts. spots 1 and 2 are black eyed peas "boom boom pow" and lady gagas "poker face." i wish to god this was a joke. does anyone else LITERALLY cringe when they hear these songs? "im so 3008, youre so 2000 and late" is almost as lyrically inspiring as gwen stefani's attempt at spelling "bananas." in fact, i think ill put that lyric on my suicide note. "way too cool for you buttlickers. im so 3008, youre so 2000 and late. PAYCE" and just like whipped cream on a sundae, the gun i use will go "boom boom pow" (the third bullet will be one of those red boxing gloves on a spring).

oh, but it gets better. the doomed-for-a-future-of-drug-addiction tween sensation miley cyrus currently has 3 songs in the top 100. as a point of reference, i currently have zero. a bunch of questions pop up. when did this girl's target audience shoot up 20 years? why has she come to this planet? who let the dogs out? if you play a song on the radio, are people really that fucking stupid that they think "it must be good, its on the radio."? but thats not what bothers me about this. what bothers me is how this girl's job is to just listen to what everyone tells her to do. and shes fucking rich. its not a surprise that shes never written a fucking song that shes sung. or played an instrument on any of those recordings. how can someone be so successful by just doing what other people tell them all the time? what does that say about our values as a society? was there ever a time when the top 100 was full of artists who wrote their own music? artists who had a connection to their music? if there was, it aint coming back. because the artists/bands that write music with a purpose arent profitable. the music industry is fucked, and civilization is next.