how many reasons are there that universal healthcare in the US is too expensive to implement? i figure theres 2. theres the reality, and then theres fucktards that like to ignore reality.
lets start with reason number fucktard. universal healthcare doesnt work because its anti-capitalism! uh, yeah, no shit, thats why itll work better. who the fuck is out there thinking the current form of healthcare in the US (ehem...privatized) is actually working? by a show of hands, how many people believe there is competition between corporations? careful, trick question. there is none. commercials are a powerful tool: they create the illusion that there is competition. they want your business, so its their job to make it seem like theyre competing for you while actually doing nothing. pretty good way to save money. privatized healthcare is the same as any other form of insurance. the goal is to take in as much money as possible and spend as little as possible. seriously, youre surprised? its a fucking business, thats what its supposed to do.
now, for reason number reality. universal healthcare is too expensive because americans are fat, unhealthy slobs who blend their whoppers and fries with an oreo pizza and drink it through a big ass straw. oh, dont forget the quad stacker. how come when we give people the freedom to choose, they choose shit (then blend and drink it)? the government cant easily afford universal healthcare because everyone gets a fucking heart attack every other week. universal healthcare not working HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CAPITALISM. if everyone stopped eating shit and started acting like responsible human beings, heart disease, diabetes, and cancer rates (to name a fucking few) would plummet. healthcare rates would plummet and the government would be able to help its goddamn people. AND IT WOULDNT COST TOO MUCH BECAUSE COMPANIES WOULD HAVE TO COMPETE WITH GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE, AND THE GOVERNMENT COULD PROVIDE SUFFICIENT HEALTHCARE TO THE POINT WHERE THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WOULDNT NEED SUPPLIMENTAL PRIVATE HEALTHCARE.
in other words, stop whining and start helping yourselves for a change. because until you do, our healthcare system is fucked, and civilization is next.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
dumb bitch
YES. the belgian girl with down syndrome that said she fell asleep while getting ursa major tattooed on her face admitted she wanted all 56 fucking stars. the bad news: now other people can no longer use the decades old excuse "i fell asleep while i was getting my face tattooed" anymore.
...what do you mean she doesnt have down syndrome? are you sure? i cant picture anyone without a mental handicap saying "STARS GIMME STARS ON MY FACE. BUT ONLY THE LEFT SIDE K GOODNIGHT TTYL."
listen. i dont care if she liked it or wanted it. its her goddamn face. let her get it tattooed. maybe she wanted to be an astronaut. i dont know. but the little cunt wanted to screw an honest man out of 10,000 euros because she realized she made a bad decision too fucking late. placing the blame on someone else like that to save face (excuse the pun) does not rock. wait. she sounds american. im pretty sure this is something an american would do for a couple bucks. are we sure shes not american? shes not? ok, just checking. seriously though. no? ok, fine.
this girl is everything thats wrong with society. i hope the artist sues her and her punishment is she has to keep the tattoos...and wear a helmet. and stick marshmallows on the ends of forks so she doesnt hurt herself eating a pancake. oh shit. great idea: marshmallow pancakes. ok fuck it, im outta here. so lets say..uhh..this girls face is fucked, and civilization is next.
...what do you mean she doesnt have down syndrome? are you sure? i cant picture anyone without a mental handicap saying "STARS GIMME STARS ON MY FACE. BUT ONLY THE LEFT SIDE K GOODNIGHT TTYL."
listen. i dont care if she liked it or wanted it. its her goddamn face. let her get it tattooed. maybe she wanted to be an astronaut. i dont know. but the little cunt wanted to screw an honest man out of 10,000 euros because she realized she made a bad decision too fucking late. placing the blame on someone else like that to save face (excuse the pun) does not rock. wait. she sounds american. im pretty sure this is something an american would do for a couple bucks. are we sure shes not american? shes not? ok, just checking. seriously though. no? ok, fine.
this girl is everything thats wrong with society. i hope the artist sues her and her punishment is she has to keep the tattoos...and wear a helmet. and stick marshmallows on the ends of forks so she doesnt hurt herself eating a pancake. oh shit. great idea: marshmallow pancakes. ok fuck it, im outta here. so lets say..uhh..this girls face is fucked, and civilization is next.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
listen you lazy fucks
i know you dont wanna get out of your chairs, or even fucking breathe because it raises your chest and that counts as moving. but for the love of all that is greasy, move one fucking finger and start using your blinkers. blinkers are the heart of america. if you dont use them, youre a terrorist and you love french cuisine. i dont mean croussants, im talking escargo wearing a fuckin berret. how do you look at yourself in the mirror, you blinker not-using, democracy hating canadian. you should be ashamed of yourself. USE YOUR BLINKER. its not hard to do. it tells people where youre planning to go so they dont fucking die trying to see their children's school play. see? you didnt use your blinker and now that single mom is dead and her daughter is an orphan, asshole.
yeah, im talking to you new yorker on 440. new yorker who is a fan of merging into the lane im in and is a fan of going much slower than me so that i almost fucking rear-ended you. youre probably not a fat fuck, but your car was "tricked out," so you were a fucking guido who thinks the perception of ability is better than ability. fuck you, man, you suck.
i dont understand how there can be a reason for not using your blinker. you make a conscious decision (i hope) to change lanes, so whys it so damn hard to flick your finger up or down? it takes literally a fraction of a second, and i wouldnt hate you as much. GOD DAMMIT. if youre that fucking lazy that you cant flick on your blinker, then youre fucked, and civilization is next.
yeah, im talking to you new yorker on 440. new yorker who is a fan of merging into the lane im in and is a fan of going much slower than me so that i almost fucking rear-ended you. youre probably not a fat fuck, but your car was "tricked out," so you were a fucking guido who thinks the perception of ability is better than ability. fuck you, man, you suck.
i dont understand how there can be a reason for not using your blinker. you make a conscious decision (i hope) to change lanes, so whys it so damn hard to flick your finger up or down? it takes literally a fraction of a second, and i wouldnt hate you as much. GOD DAMMIT. if youre that fucking lazy that you cant flick on your blinker, then youre fucked, and civilization is next.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
be gentle
hey, you know what i love? people that argue that rock doesnt have to be aggressive at all to be rock. this generation of middle schoolers fucking LOVES music that makes them feel like pussies. music where the goal of the artist is to look as gay and awkward as possible while singing in the most sensitive voice as possible. they call it rock, but its not rock. its a revival of that shitty 80's pop, where (gasp) the point was to look gay and sing in girly voices. example: any of the artists on the front page of purevolume.com.
but kids still call it rock because theyre afraid that if they admit they listen to pop music itll ruin their cred. fuck that. i shoulda been alive in the 50's when rock & roll was banned from radio stations. when rock & roll pissed people off. when rock & roll could make you dance even if you were a cripple. is there anything else in history that has changed so much and yet still has the same name?
this is why i need my punk. i need something that doesnt make me feel like a drone at a fucking foo fighters concert. or like a fucking fairy at a plain white Ts show.
maybe its because eveery fucking kid is too weak nowadays. parents are even afraid to hit kids. i dont mean a fuckin punch in the eye, im just talking a slap on the hand. youre trying too hard to protect your kids. well MAYBE when you try this hard to protect your kids, you end up making them MORE vulnerable. the result is this enfatuation with this soft sensitive music. music with NO MESSAGE. how can so many songs be traced to some bullshit about a girl or guy. jesus christ. if you HAVE to write sensitive music, at least write about something you fucking care about beyond the other sex.
i guess the ultimate reason i hate this music is because it serves no purpose. it doesnt educate, it doesnt elicite any emotion other than depression, it doesnt challenge anything, it doesnt unite. this music is NOT rock. its fucked. and civilization is next.
but kids still call it rock because theyre afraid that if they admit they listen to pop music itll ruin their cred. fuck that. i shoulda been alive in the 50's when rock & roll was banned from radio stations. when rock & roll pissed people off. when rock & roll could make you dance even if you were a cripple. is there anything else in history that has changed so much and yet still has the same name?
this is why i need my punk. i need something that doesnt make me feel like a drone at a fucking foo fighters concert. or like a fucking fairy at a plain white Ts show.
maybe its because eveery fucking kid is too weak nowadays. parents are even afraid to hit kids. i dont mean a fuckin punch in the eye, im just talking a slap on the hand. youre trying too hard to protect your kids. well MAYBE when you try this hard to protect your kids, you end up making them MORE vulnerable. the result is this enfatuation with this soft sensitive music. music with NO MESSAGE. how can so many songs be traced to some bullshit about a girl or guy. jesus christ. if you HAVE to write sensitive music, at least write about something you fucking care about beyond the other sex.
i guess the ultimate reason i hate this music is because it serves no purpose. it doesnt educate, it doesnt elicite any emotion other than depression, it doesnt challenge anything, it doesnt unite. this music is NOT rock. its fucked. and civilization is next.
Friday, May 29, 2009
hey, remember when cheney wasnt the devil?
me neither, but apparently, there was a time. maybe, somewhere along the way, he was possessed by the arch demon of lying to americans. fuck you, dickhead cheney, i despise you with every fiber of my being. you are the jeffrey dahmer of morality. if i went to church, the only reason would be to make myself believe that there is a hell waiting for you, because simply dying would be too kind a fate.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
ITS NOT THE SAME
hey you fucking idiots, being pro choice and being pro abortion are not the same damn thing. so shut the hell up because i hate you.
pro choice means you are in favor of letting people decide what is best for their individual situation. unless every goddamn situation is exactly the same, shut your mouth, you hick. you know what pro choice is? it is at the very essence of being american. mccain wanted less government intervention in the market. what about less intervention in peoples goddamn lives? pro choice is almost as american as denying a health care claim. and its slightly more american than racism.
pro abortion means you fucking hate babies and you want them dead. it means you love invasive procedures that could potentially hurt a woman and it means you love promiscuity and not taking responsibility for your actions. ITS NOT THE SAME.
stop picketing abortion clinics and start trying to educate people on what they can do to avoid being put in a situation where they would think they need an abortion. swallow your fucking christian pride and go use your time to get condoms to give to sexually active students. educate on STDs and how to prevent them. you hear me, you old motherfuckers picketing outside the clinic on main street in woodbridge? THE CLINIC IS NOT WHERE THE DECISION TO GET AN ABORTION COMES FROM. stop trying to destroy people's ability to make decisions, you fucking fascists.
i guess the irony is, if this country wasnt pro choice, id make my girlfriend abort my child to keep it from living in a pro life world.
hopefully its not too late. but if it is, our ability to choose for ourselves is fucked, and civilization is next.
pro choice means you are in favor of letting people decide what is best for their individual situation. unless every goddamn situation is exactly the same, shut your mouth, you hick. you know what pro choice is? it is at the very essence of being american. mccain wanted less government intervention in the market. what about less intervention in peoples goddamn lives? pro choice is almost as american as denying a health care claim. and its slightly more american than racism.
pro abortion means you fucking hate babies and you want them dead. it means you love invasive procedures that could potentially hurt a woman and it means you love promiscuity and not taking responsibility for your actions. ITS NOT THE SAME.
stop picketing abortion clinics and start trying to educate people on what they can do to avoid being put in a situation where they would think they need an abortion. swallow your fucking christian pride and go use your time to get condoms to give to sexually active students. educate on STDs and how to prevent them. you hear me, you old motherfuckers picketing outside the clinic on main street in woodbridge? THE CLINIC IS NOT WHERE THE DECISION TO GET AN ABORTION COMES FROM. stop trying to destroy people's ability to make decisions, you fucking fascists.
i guess the irony is, if this country wasnt pro choice, id make my girlfriend abort my child to keep it from living in a pro life world.
hopefully its not too late. but if it is, our ability to choose for ourselves is fucked, and civilization is next.
Monday, May 25, 2009
common sense no longer necessary
first, the cold activated bottle. then, the cold activated can. why is coors marketing its beer to people with special needs and down syndrome? what brilliant mind said "well...theyre not drinking our beer. is it because it tastes like cat piss in a bottle (and, later, a can)? oh, i know, maybe they just dont know when to drink it, so its intimidating people from buying it. yeah, i think thats it."
cue a lightbulb above their heads. "LETS SUCK EACH OTHERS COCKS! no..no wait..instead lets put some stupid shit on our bottles that turn color when our beer is cold! you know, like as if were marketing to 4 year olds!"
cue the powerful exec sitting indian style, slapping the ground in roaring laughter as steve and blue search for clues. "bwilliant!"
of course, the real reason coors made a 'cold activated bottle' is because theyre very religious. they vigorously follow the 4th commandment: americans are fucking stupid.
only in america could you make a change that in no way, shape, or form changes your product for the better and boost sales. well, sorry coors, but im about to tell people what temperature beer should be when you drink it. ready?
REAL FUCKING COLD.
there you have it. another mystery unravelled. you must feel scared, alone. but dont worry dumbass, im here for you. youll make it through this. but first, you need to put down the coors and take those pants off your head.
so..wait...if you actually rely on this "cold activated" shit, do you just open the fridge or cooler every 10 minutes, pick up the beer, stare for 15 seconds, drool, put the beer away, and repeat until them mountain critters turns the color o' my pickup truck? HOW DID WE LIVE SO LONG WITHOUT THIS? fuck it. if this is the only thing coors has up its sleeve, then its fucked, and civilization is next.
cue a lightbulb above their heads. "LETS SUCK EACH OTHERS COCKS! no..no wait..instead lets put some stupid shit on our bottles that turn color when our beer is cold! you know, like as if were marketing to 4 year olds!"
cue the powerful exec sitting indian style, slapping the ground in roaring laughter as steve and blue search for clues. "bwilliant!"
of course, the real reason coors made a 'cold activated bottle' is because theyre very religious. they vigorously follow the 4th commandment: americans are fucking stupid.
only in america could you make a change that in no way, shape, or form changes your product for the better and boost sales. well, sorry coors, but im about to tell people what temperature beer should be when you drink it. ready?
REAL FUCKING COLD.
there you have it. another mystery unravelled. you must feel scared, alone. but dont worry dumbass, im here for you. youll make it through this. but first, you need to put down the coors and take those pants off your head.
so..wait...if you actually rely on this "cold activated" shit, do you just open the fridge or cooler every 10 minutes, pick up the beer, stare for 15 seconds, drool, put the beer away, and repeat until them mountain critters turns the color o' my pickup truck? HOW DID WE LIVE SO LONG WITHOUT THIS? fuck it. if this is the only thing coors has up its sleeve, then its fucked, and civilization is next.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
walt di$ney world
man, fuck this place. yes, i just got back from...it. is it possible for something to be awesome and horrendously horrible at the same time? i now think so. theres no substitute for the tower of terror. unfortunately, theres also no substitute for its a small world.
but the eye-stabingly, horrendously horrible aspect of disney world isnt the 5 hour ride through 713 dressed-up chucky dolls. its actually its ability to get people to hand over $50 for a $3 piece of crap. piece of crap includes figurines, clothing, food, superficial happiness, and anything else made by hard-working toddlers (deep inside the small world ride).
there are a lot of companies that know how to take your money, but none do it with more flare or anti-semitism than disney world. (fun fact: disney world also hates: minorities, too much, too little, seth green, and anything with the word "amorphous" in it)
PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT: Disney World sells an "international coins set" complete with 12 coins from around the world. whats oh so much fucking fun to notice is that this $12.95 set includes the U.S. penny as well as the italian, french, and german 1 euro cent. do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? disney has painstakingly gathered enough effort to collect and package, not only world coins, but world coins of laughably low denominations. also included are a japanese 1 yen coin and a mexican 10 peso (.0076 USD) coin. so, give away 12 cents, get 12 dollars. im not a math teacher or anything, but that looks like a 99x profit. or, for you 4th grade math leaguers out there, 9900% profit.
PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT 2: A FUCKING PONCHO. is it raining? is your precious family getting wet? disney doesnt give a fuck. $8 a poncho. cough it up. now, when i say poncho, i dont mean poncho. i mean big ass bag wif holes in it for your head and arms. i dont know how much these cost to produce, but ill guess just a widdle bit. have you ever been in a broken elevator with no way out with a homeless man licking his own balls? thats what it feels like to buy a disney quality poncho for $8.
PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT 3: a disney employee tried to sell me a mixture of cat excrement and heroine, saying "hakuna matata mother fucker." after lowering the price to $27.50, i was tempted. i could tell it was fresh, and i was coming down off of my tomorrowland high, and hard. but im proud to say i didnt buy it, and all because i remembered aladdin's famous last words: "hiya mister alligatAAUUGHHHRGGG." that shit is no joke. fuck disney world. its fucked. and civilization is next.
but the eye-stabingly, horrendously horrible aspect of disney world isnt the 5 hour ride through 713 dressed-up chucky dolls. its actually its ability to get people to hand over $50 for a $3 piece of crap. piece of crap includes figurines, clothing, food, superficial happiness, and anything else made by hard-working toddlers (deep inside the small world ride).
there are a lot of companies that know how to take your money, but none do it with more flare or anti-semitism than disney world. (fun fact: disney world also hates: minorities, too much, too little, seth green, and anything with the word "amorphous" in it)
PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT: Disney World sells an "international coins set" complete with 12 coins from around the world. whats oh so much fucking fun to notice is that this $12.95 set includes the U.S. penny as well as the italian, french, and german 1 euro cent. do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? disney has painstakingly gathered enough effort to collect and package, not only world coins, but world coins of laughably low denominations. also included are a japanese 1 yen coin and a mexican 10 peso (.0076 USD) coin. so, give away 12 cents, get 12 dollars. im not a math teacher or anything, but that looks like a 99x profit. or, for you 4th grade math leaguers out there, 9900% profit.
PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT 2: A FUCKING PONCHO. is it raining? is your precious family getting wet? disney doesnt give a fuck. $8 a poncho. cough it up. now, when i say poncho, i dont mean poncho. i mean big ass bag wif holes in it for your head and arms. i dont know how much these cost to produce, but ill guess just a widdle bit. have you ever been in a broken elevator with no way out with a homeless man licking his own balls? thats what it feels like to buy a disney quality poncho for $8.
PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT 3: a disney employee tried to sell me a mixture of cat excrement and heroine, saying "hakuna matata mother fucker." after lowering the price to $27.50, i was tempted. i could tell it was fresh, and i was coming down off of my tomorrowland high, and hard. but im proud to say i didnt buy it, and all because i remembered aladdin's famous last words: "hiya mister alligatAAUUGHHHRGGG." that shit is no joke. fuck disney world. its fucked. and civilization is next.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
STOP. THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.
ok, yes it is. this is from a local newspaper, an ad for a local baseball game.
ive decided to turn this into a positive moment. i will be attending this. and i will be dressing up as hannah montana to get $2.00 off my ticket. then im going to turn tricks in the parking lot. were going to set the record for the most old perverted men entering montana at one time. and, if there is a god, "hannah montana appreciation night" will never happen again. they should start differentiating between legitimate "appreciation" nights and "we need money, please come" nights. or maybe they dont actually understand the meaning of "appreciation."
no, no, wait, i found what they mean.
appreciation Noun
on a related note: seriously, old perverted men, be careful. i know youre drooling at the idea of attending this game, but remember the 8th commandment: chris hanson is omnipotent. kind of like god, but real.
In honor of this great idea, ive come up with some of my own appreciation nights. miley's picture still being there indicates her support of these events. so, ya know, start spreading some rumors.
its official: even appreciation night is fucked, and civilization is next.
ive decided to turn this into a positive moment. i will be attending this. and i will be dressing up as hannah montana to get $2.00 off my ticket. then im going to turn tricks in the parking lot. were going to set the record for the most old perverted men entering montana at one time. and, if there is a god, "hannah montana appreciation night" will never happen again. they should start differentiating between legitimate "appreciation" nights and "we need money, please come" nights. or maybe they dont actually understand the meaning of "appreciation."
no, no, wait, i found what they mean.
appreciation Noun
2. awareness and understanding of a problem or difficulty
this has to be what they mean by hannah montana appreciation, right?
this has to be what they mean by hannah montana appreciation, right?
on a related note: seriously, old perverted men, be careful. i know youre drooling at the idea of attending this game, but remember the 8th commandment: chris hanson is omnipotent. kind of like god, but real.
In honor of this great idea, ive come up with some of my own appreciation nights. miley's picture still being there indicates her support of these events. so, ya know, start spreading some rumors.
its official: even appreciation night is fucked, and civilization is next.
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